if not now, then when?

so, life is a constant state of adjusting, re-balancing, re-positioning, surrendering
figured that out yet?

i know i've said this before but its so easy to have this desire to lock into a pattern of discipline or routine or schedule and just stick to it. but what is EVER really like that?

i'm learning daily that all that i carry in this season;  is the previous mentioned... a constant adjusting and rolling with the obstacles. its like walking on a tight-rope in high heels holding an elephant. . . and sometimes i'm only inches off the floor and its easy to get my footing...others i feel miles in the air and the loss of focus will no doubt be damaging blow.

I'm making sure there is room for Jesus, my heart growth, my husband, quality time with each tiny, taking care of my physical body, friends, using my gifts....and so on.

this last 8 weeks or so my heart has been burdened for one of my tinys.
she's my full spirited one. full of life. love. joy & fire.
her name means 'abundant light'
we know she's doing well when she's singing
when the singing stops; my mommy flags raise and alarms sound.

she's my tiny song bird.
she's my canary in a coal mine.
she gives early warning to a coming crisis.
she gives signs of distress when things aren't safe.

i rejoice in the gift that this tiny is to my soul.
she has taught me to face my sin of selfishness and anger.
she calls me to surrender and lay down my life.

19 months of transition have been hard on this tiny.
she still talks about our 'yellow' house.
"i loved my yellow house mommy"

so my job.
pay attention to the warning signs.
listen that the singing has stopped.
pray for compassion and the spirits leading to lay down my expectations & pour into this tiny's heart as she so needs.

its time to play. to make 'stones', but she means 'scones'
to paint fingernails & lay in the grass

its time to sing.
i praise God for I know its His spirit that has laid this burden on my heart.
i wrestle with what this means..or looks like.
but deep in my gut.
i know what it means.
T--I--M--E

she needs time.
she needs me. she needs to feel wrapped in and intertwined.
she needs an anchor. and for this season, that's me.

so we're saying peace to school for her for this year...before 'big' school next fall.
we're gonna do camptiny without a the obstacles of previous summers!

so if not now. . .
if i don't listen and pay attention & surrender and lay down my fear, hesitations & burdens now...
...then when

Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.  Matthew 25: 28-30


amazing what peace this leaves imprinted on my heart.
peace that surpasses understanding.
and joy awaiting as i know my heart responds to the leading only a all-knowing God gives.