motherhood the brutal, yet beautiful

so i find myself wandering a bit lately. 

to and fro. 

like a wave that greets the sand, never in the same place twice. 

every time the wave washes back out, more of what's underneath that top layer of sand is revealed!

i have been in the mothering trenches.

learning what to do with what the water washes up. 

what's left standing when the waves are stronger.

i was emailing a neighbor today who's been so kind to me since we've moved.

we shared a few real, raw words this afternoon about how hard mothering is. 

i am always relieved to find another mommy who's willing to be transparent about the daily challenge of raising tinys. 

i emailed her : 

i find myself clinging to sweet moments, dreading the hard ones that come in a multitude of smothering waves.

there isn't one day that goes by that i am not overwhelmed, stressed out and feel like im a complete failure at everything! 

its so hard.

i am praying that the moments in the floor & face time & hard conversations & correction of attitudes & game playing & snuggles will eventually pay off.

its so tough to balance everything.
i find myself laughing then crying then yelling then wondering if i need medication!!!

it is life-giving to me to be real & transparent about the tough journey of raising kids..and trying to sort out who God's made me to be in the meantime.

so for now, for this moment, i am thankful for grace...

lots of grace for getting it wrong enough to know how not to do it!

motherhood is the most amazing journey i've ever embarked. it is changing me. it is reshaping my heart. i will not be the same. 

everyday we wake up, is a season of motherhood that i haven't yet been.

its new territory. so i'm not supposed to know what to do. i haven't been there yet...

my job isn't to figure it out, or make it perfect or do it all right. my job is to love.

to love...the only thing i know how to do. 

to wrap my arms around those tiny bodies & remember that this journey of motherhood is a gift. for me, knowing Christ, its a gift of transformation; that will undoubtedly continue to challenge me & bring me to my knees.....momently. 

if not now, then when?

so, life is a constant state of adjusting, re-balancing, re-positioning, surrendering
figured that out yet?

i know i've said this before but its so easy to have this desire to lock into a pattern of discipline or routine or schedule and just stick to it. but what is EVER really like that?

i'm learning daily that all that i carry in this season;  is the previous mentioned... a constant adjusting and rolling with the obstacles. its like walking on a tight-rope in high heels holding an elephant. . . and sometimes i'm only inches off the floor and its easy to get my footing...others i feel miles in the air and the loss of focus will no doubt be damaging blow.

I'm making sure there is room for Jesus, my heart growth, my husband, quality time with each tiny, taking care of my physical body, friends, using my gifts....and so on.

this last 8 weeks or so my heart has been burdened for one of my tinys.
she's my full spirited one. full of life. love. joy & fire.
her name means 'abundant light'
we know she's doing well when she's singing
when the singing stops; my mommy flags raise and alarms sound.

she's my tiny song bird.
she's my canary in a coal mine.
she gives early warning to a coming crisis.
she gives signs of distress when things aren't safe.

i rejoice in the gift that this tiny is to my soul.
she has taught me to face my sin of selfishness and anger.
she calls me to surrender and lay down my life.

19 months of transition have been hard on this tiny.
she still talks about our 'yellow' house.
"i loved my yellow house mommy"

so my job.
pay attention to the warning signs.
listen that the singing has stopped.
pray for compassion and the spirits leading to lay down my expectations & pour into this tiny's heart as she so needs.

its time to play. to make 'stones', but she means 'scones'
to paint fingernails & lay in the grass

its time to sing.
i praise God for I know its His spirit that has laid this burden on my heart.
i wrestle with what this means..or looks like.
but deep in my gut.
i know what it means.
T--I--M--E

she needs time.
she needs me. she needs to feel wrapped in and intertwined.
she needs an anchor. and for this season, that's me.

so we're saying peace to school for her for this year...before 'big' school next fall.
we're gonna do camptiny without a the obstacles of previous summers!

so if not now. . .
if i don't listen and pay attention & surrender and lay down my fear, hesitations & burdens now...
...then when

Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.  Matthew 25: 28-30


amazing what peace this leaves imprinted on my heart.
peace that surpasses understanding.
and joy awaiting as i know my heart responds to the leading only a all-knowing God gives.

settling in

confession is good for the heart.
it releases all that is so easily held tight.
...like its ours.
ours to control.
ours to fix.
ours to right.

13 days ago we closed on our new house.
sigh. smile.
our prayers were answered in 10 fold in more ways than i have room or time to type.
its was an outpouring and fleshing of Ephesians 3:20 :  Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory..

God has placed us in HIS house. to do ministry and life with our neighbors. 

i am so thankful. humbled.

so. how have the last 13 days been?! 

amazing. wonderful. crazy. busy. messy. stressful. exhausting.

i have dual emotions. overwhelmed at the blessing of this house and crazed sense of 'get it all unpacked now no matter what'!!

i am doin good just to feed my kids and walk them to school and get my 'normal' mommy duties done during the day! 

i've been a ball of stress rather than settling into gratitude. 

the enemy has laid land mines during my day 

obviously I am the one choosing to step into the trap. 

im not usually overwhelmed by mess. 

but after 19 months of waiting and praying to be settled and out of the season of transition i have this sense of urgency to settle in as fast as i can. feeling as though it is daily robbing me from something. although its me who is robbing myself of the here and now. why is that so hard?! 

i feel constant stress to have it all fixed and in its place.

its really just sin & selfishness. 

somehow i think i will get to this place where it gets easier. 

hmmmm. thanks just funny to see typed out. 

life just gets busier. commitments just get more.

tinys get older. time is passing! 

since we've moved in i have had a few moments of reflection back over this last year and a half. 

i am dumbfounded with how fast its gone.

but i remember sitting in our old house for sale; not even 5 months ago wondering when it was all gonna change.

the process began; pregnant with a new tiny. two at home and my oldest in kindergarten. 

and here i am 19 months later with one asleep upstairs. a quiet house and one in 2nd grade. 

one in k and one in preschool. 

life is blurring by. 

my heart aches for the passing of time. for the cobwebs of stuff i get trapped in. 

so i am throwing all of my selfish desire aside. 

and slowing down. 

i choose to land my feet on the TRUTH of His word. 

that however precious this home is; it is temporary. 

mess will always exist. 

my contentment isn't to be swayed by circumstance or season. 

my contentment is to be in Jesus. 

the only giver of PEACE. 

may HE have all the Glory.

praise God that I am set free and rescued. 

cheers to the comfort of a God who finds delight in my transparency and brokenness

big day

i seriously LOVE this quote about parenting ::
"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body" - Elizabeth Stone

Never is this more true than the morning of Kindergarten drop off.
I wish I could say that with the second child it's easier.
NOPE.
It's almost worse.
Cause they don't know what they're walking into....but you do.

As believers, there is never a more trusting moment and illustration that we are not in control than the slow release of children as they go off to school.

there were moments this summer, even yesterday that I longed for quiet and uninterrupted silence in the middle of meltdowns and chaos of ::
'she took my train'
'he pulled my hair'
 'give it back'
'i don't want to eat this'
'you're not my mommy anymore' : a favorite saying of tiny #3.

i even had a meltdown and sobbed after loading them in the car headed to the pool.
i was having pangs of guilt for wanting to run to the nearest forest and hide
and overwhelmed with how fast its going.

so while i still will referee and fix and mend and wipe and hold.
mothering is changing around me.
a sweet reminder that they're borrowed.
i am stewarding a gift.
and those annoying moments where i want to run are supposed to be teaching moments.
we get it right..some of the time.

today.
Liam starts Kindergarten.
Lillian starts Second Grade.

God's timing has blessed my tinys by allowing us to have closure last year and start a new school year here in Fort Mill. Lillian has more awareness of this than Liam. He's just excited about a new school-neighborhood buddy!

we're soaking it in : cause its blurring by
we walk to school . another amazing blessing.
it was a great chance for us to have some sweet out of our environment moments and prepare their hearts for the day.

i held it together after dropping Liam off until I spotted a friend in tears.
i squeeze Lillian's hand.
took a deep breath.
i can do this.
the letting go.
the growing up part.
its part of it.
it will always be hard.

hope

well, i've taken a nice 5 month hiatus from blogging.
one word : stress

this last year-plus has been such a sweet rich tough place of trust and waiting for us.
when you walk through seasons of wait time warps.
not to mention we've had a baby in this last year.
so is there such a thing as double-warp; cause i've been in it!!!

the next 10 days will bring to fruition something we've prayed for...for almost 536 days!
yah, right. that's insane.

on the morning of august 14th we will close on our spruell street home
officially handing it over to its new wonderful owners!

the other half of the story is still being woven together.
and no shortage of GOD in every small minuscule detail!

in late april we walked through a home on m. lane, in fort mill to rent.
we'd find out two weeks later if it was available.
i left devastated and discouraged.
having loved the house and longing for a close on the season of wait.
my sweet husband looked me in the eyes and said "trust"

10 days later :  we received an offer on our spruell street home.
we'd been on the market 14 months.
within an hour we had an email about a rental in fort mill. smack in the middle of the area we'd been praying for God to land us.

we called the m. lane owner; they had an offer as well.
so we signed a 4 month lease til sept 30th on a 3bdrm townhouse.
prayed God would make it clear where we needed to be by July 30th; so we were able to give our 60day notice.

i woke up on a sunday morning in late may as we were packing boxes and felt this urge to call the m. lane owner. she answered laughing saying she'd been looking for my name in her phone for days . . the offer had fallen thru, and were we still interested in renting?! i explained we were already committed.
hubs looked at me and said 'trust'

we made the move the first weekend in June to the townhouse.
half our stuff in storage.
i cried myself to sleep the first 3 nights we were here.
from exaustion. from the season of wondering & wait.

its been a fun summer of rubbing elbows with each other in a small space.
somehow i find all 4 tinys in my personal space more times than i can count each day!
tiny feet stepping on mine. raising my blood pressure.

the 3 big tinys share a bedroom. london shares a room with andy's desk.
where he works if she's not asleep.
BUT
we walk to the pool.
we walk to the gym.
we walk to the playground.
we walk to starbucks. its rough. (smile)

mid june. my phone rang. it was m. lane owner. they were selling the house. and it was a short sale.
were we interested. my heart stopped.
i scrambled. i cried. i stressed.
hubs grabbed my face and said 'trust'

on a hot afternoon in late june. with no ac. we walked around m. lane house.
youngest tiny was in a stroller; needing a diaper change, smelling up the living room.
3 big tinys were running circles in an empty. stale 97 degree house. screaming.
as the sign was going in the yard. we were signing an offer.

mid july.
i registered the 2 biggest tinys for school.
there are freezes on most fort mill schools.
their placement, wasn't up to us.
i laughed. like this entire season. i have come to wash my hands of worry. and trust.
trust that they would be placed in the school & classroom where they were supposed to be.

thursday july 19. we got a phone call.
the bank accepted our offer!!!!
i cried. laughed and still get chills thinking about it.

on july 28th
we gave our 60 day notice on leaving the townhouse.

today : august 4th
we got the two big tinys school assignments in the mail.
and our last mortgage statement for spruell street.
i am peaceful. thankful. overwhelmed with how detailed and precise God is.

the details on the m.lane house are still in the works.

we are headed towards a close sometime late this month or in early september. 

there is cause for worry. stress. tears. anxiety. 

it could still even fall apart.

but thankfully : i have walked a season where i know better.
and even on my best day couldn't have knit this provision together for the people i love most.
instead, i choose to trust.

trust a God's who so richly deserves every bit of accolade for this journey.
in my heart & in the life of my sweet family!

xoxox

tiny#4 at 4months

so i've realized that instagram has caused me to lapse in my blogging....

and maybe i can temporarily blame it on the house still being for sale and juggling 4 tinys. 

with an amazing iphone camera; sadly i don't get out my 'real' camera as much....mental note to do this more. London is now 6 months old..so these are a couple months ago. 

since then, she continues to retain her royal chubbness! 

she is rolling across the living room floor one side to the other. 

babbling. teething. all things baby. but is a sweet joy of a tiny. 

i have realized lately with such a crazy wild hectic schedule of early morning workouts, showings and shuffling tinys that this baby brings joy and calm into our mess!

all tinys have been laid back until they turn 3; but this one is extra chill. 

she joins us at the dinner table now....3 big tinys were laughing about something the other night..and she joined right in!!

my sweet tiny London!

my so called 'instagram' life

so a couple posts ago i admitted i had a problem. . . . with instagram.
i take on average 9 photos a day..sometimes more. if you follow me on instagram you're annoyed.
but i don't take them for you. i take them for me.
i explained it in this post. but today i am struck by how it catalogs my day with my tinys.

today was a tough one.
i have anticipated it for a few weeks.
i don't love being alone.
its not a place i tend to choose to be.
i do enjoy it a little more in this season of life just due to the chaos and noise around me most of the day. but its not something i seek out.

andy left insanely early this morning for a leadership conference for several days.
its my first time really juggling multiple days & evenings without assistance since we added a tiny.

i . am . beat .

today included lots of meals, snacks, bottles & diapers (business as usual)
a dr appt for 2, again
4 total school drop offs & pickups
1 venti starbucks
3 breathing treatments for youngest tiny on the mend from rsv
mommy finally eating lunch at 3pm
homework & spelling words
puzzles
playground time
2 trips to target
1 devotional
1 frozen pizza
unattended laundry (nothing new)
piles of dishes (again, more of the same)

tomorrow is much of the same, minus a preschool drop off and pick up - - add trader joes run!
think we'll be layin low. still boycotting laundry & dishes and saying yes to pajamas and coffee!!

but back to really why i started this post.
what i realized as i scrolled back through today's photos.

i remember Lucy asking "Mommy, is the sky dripping?" as she felt a raindrop

i remember the warmth of the coffee in my hand and the steam hitting my face, a sweet reminder that i was sipping reward, and i could make it through the day

i remember Lucy naming our lady bug 'Trudy' and petting it, until it crawled up the arm of her jacket and she screamed...i laughed, she scowled, i apologized cause she thought i was making fun of her.

i remember my chubby faced baby smiling even though she didn't feel great.

i remember how my day started with 3 curly head at my breakfast table and Lillian squealing because she was about to loose a tooth...

we romped on the playground..well, they did, i froze, london screamed.
but i loved watching them play with each other.

and the pay phone....walking out of target...for the 2nd time. Liam says "what's that, mommy?"
having to explain to my children that the world hasn't always had iphones.

so around our dinner table tonight we talking about our favorite part of the day.
lillian's was loosing her tooth,
lucy's was going to target with me and london and back with all tinys + mommy
liam's was the playground and sword fighting
mine, listening to them intently listen to one another....and starbucks

we had a discussion about the tooth fairy.
who she is, how long she has til she pays up, her creepy hands (weird, not sure where they got that), that she probably lives in antarctica, but liam said she's moving here soon. how much money she brings and if her wings are sharp.

lately after prayers, hugs, kisses and our devotion on my way down the stairs i get a 'happy holidays'
i laugh every time.

i will miss the crazy some day. i actually secretly love the constant motion we make.
there are plenty of moments of apologies and bad attitudes and mending hearts for rude, bad, selfish, impatient behavior and melt downs on ALL our parts. but.....
thanks to instagram i've caught split second moments within the wonderful mess of our everyday life!

i.am.so.thankful.