motherhood the brutal, yet beautiful

so i find myself wandering a bit lately. 

to and fro. 

like a wave that greets the sand, never in the same place twice. 

every time the wave washes back out, more of what's underneath that top layer of sand is revealed!

i have been in the mothering trenches.

learning what to do with what the water washes up. 

what's left standing when the waves are stronger.

i was emailing a neighbor today who's been so kind to me since we've moved.

we shared a few real, raw words this afternoon about how hard mothering is. 

i am always relieved to find another mommy who's willing to be transparent about the daily challenge of raising tinys. 

i emailed her : 

i find myself clinging to sweet moments, dreading the hard ones that come in a multitude of smothering waves.

there isn't one day that goes by that i am not overwhelmed, stressed out and feel like im a complete failure at everything! 

its so hard.

i am praying that the moments in the floor & face time & hard conversations & correction of attitudes & game playing & snuggles will eventually pay off.

its so tough to balance everything.
i find myself laughing then crying then yelling then wondering if i need medication!!!

it is life-giving to me to be real & transparent about the tough journey of raising kids..and trying to sort out who God's made me to be in the meantime.

so for now, for this moment, i am thankful for grace...

lots of grace for getting it wrong enough to know how not to do it!

motherhood is the most amazing journey i've ever embarked. it is changing me. it is reshaping my heart. i will not be the same. 

everyday we wake up, is a season of motherhood that i haven't yet been.

its new territory. so i'm not supposed to know what to do. i haven't been there yet...

my job isn't to figure it out, or make it perfect or do it all right. my job is to love.

to love...the only thing i know how to do. 

to wrap my arms around those tiny bodies & remember that this journey of motherhood is a gift. for me, knowing Christ, its a gift of transformation; that will undoubtedly continue to challenge me & bring me to my knees.....momently.